


I Wish I May

by MelyndaR



Series: Star series [1]
Category: Courageous (2011)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 21:43:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3149459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelyndaR/pseuds/MelyndaR
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Happenings and thoughts in David's and Amanda's lives before he contacts her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

One need not be a chamber to be haunted,

One need not be a house;

The brain has corridors surpassing

Material place.

Far safer, of a midnight meeting

External ghost,

Than an interior confronting

That whiter host.

Far safer through an Abbey gallop,

The stones achase,

Than, moonless, one's own self encounter

In lonesome place.

Ourself, behind ourself concealed,

Should startle most;

Assassin, hid in our apartment,

Be horror's least.

The prudent carries a revolver,

He bolts the door,

O'er looking a superior spectre

More near.

~ Emily Dickinson

* * *

March 4, 2012

Amanda Williams smiled tiredly as she walked out of her four year old daughter's bedroom. All she wanted to do right now was sleep. It had been a wonderful week, the best in a long time, it seemed like. The highlight of her year had been quitting her job at the bank on Friday. She had hated working there. Give her a cranky kid over a cranky customer any day.

All things considered, that was probably a good attitude to have, seeing as she was going to start a librarian job at the high school the following day, Monday. She was looking forward to it. Amanda wandered into the living room, and flopped into the recliner, kicking off her ballet flats. Church shoes, the soles almost worn out.

She picked them up and headed back to her bedroom, thoughts entirely on her bed. She could have sworn that she heard it calling to her.

As she passed by the closed door of Olivia's bedroom, she stopped. Her daughter was talking to herself again, it sounded like. Amanda peeked through the crack left between the door and the doorjamb. Olivia sat on the flat top of her toybox, which sat under the window, and looked out of the window at the night sky.

As Amanda listened, Olivia repeated a familiar rhyme, "Starlight, star bright/ first star I see tonight/ I wish I may/ I wish I might/ have the wish/ I wish tonight. I wish that I may have my daddy."

Amanda froze, turning almost in slow motion from the door, leaning against the wall for support as all the air was sucked out of her. She felt as though she had been punched in the stomach, yet numb at the same time.

David.

She hadn't thought of him in forever - well, a month or so anyway. She wondered disconnectedly if he ever thought of her.

* * *

March 5, 2012

David had plenty to think about, what with surviving his rookie year, getting a new partner, and two new arrest warrants. His mind was all ready crowded with things to think about when Sheriff Gentry stepped up to the podium in the muster room and began to read an email that he had been sent. So why, why, did all of that insist on flying out the window and being replaced by other thoughts as soon as the sheriff said the words "when a father is absent?"

Thoughts of Olivia and of Amanda. Thoughts that haunted him. Thoughts that drug him down. Thoughts that wouldn't go away.

He was still thinking those thoughts when dusk fell over Albany and the first star appeared in the sky. He smiled a melancholy smile at that star and whispered the old rhyme, all though he knew full well that it would change nothing about his decidedly awful day.

"Starlight, star bright/ first star I see tonight/ I wish I may/ I wish I might/ have the wish/ I wish tonight…" He paused for a moment, pondering what to wish for. "I wish… I wish that Amanda and Olivia have a good life."

* * *

March 9, 2012

Amanda felt like doing a summersault, a cartwheel, some sort of a cheer, as she slid behind the wheel of her car. She had worked one officially phenomenal week at the high school. It was a decided step up from being a teller, and she loved it.

She had even let herself get close to a couple of the students. Both freshman, Jade Hayes and Dylan Mitchell had shown interest in the solitary personal item that Amanda had put in her workspace. A picture of Olivia. She considered the similarities between the two teenagers as she drove to pick Olivia up from the daycare.

Both had fathers who worked as deputies for the Dougherty County sheriff's office. And both had remarked that Olivia looked like someone that they knew, but neither had known who.

Thoughts of David had briefly flickered through her mind, but Amanda hadn't dared to pursue the angle. It didn't really make a difference anyway, David wanted nothing to do with her and Olivia, and Amanda promised herself that the feeling was mutual.

She even almost believed herself. But just almost.

* * *

March 10, 2012

"What about you, David?"

David looked in mild surprise at the man who had posed the question, Adam paused before answering.

"I had a good dad." Again he paused as a thought came to mind. "I guess. I mean, the guy wasn't perfect. My parent's split up after he had an affair. But I think that he regretted it. And I struggled with it for a while,"David gesture dismissively with his hand, Coca-Cola and all. "But, you know, divorce just comes with the territory these days."

"I disagree, man." Nathan informed him. "Divorce happens because you make it an option."

David smirked at the table in front of him. "Nathan, you don't always know what's gonna happen. People change. You can't always work stuff out. Sometimes you need to part ways."

Adam shot him an assessing look before saying, "I think I agree with Nathan. People don't fight for their marriage any more."

"Thank you." Nathan said before turning to David. "Wait 'til you get married and have kids. You're gonna figure out real quick how much you don't know."

David bit the inside of his cheek to keep from telling his partner just how much he did know, irritated. He told himself that he wanted to defend his father, but, in truth, he wanted to defend himself. He wasn't about to admit that the things that his father had done and the things that he had done had any similarities. No way.

Nathan continued on, saying, "Man, if it weren't for my faith in God, I'd be in a tailspin right now."

"Yeah, me too." Adam seconded.

David tried to shake off his mood and said, "Look, guys... not everybody believes in that stuff. You're all religious, and that's fine. But you can't think that religion is the only way to live your life." He turned to Nathan. "It didn't work out for your parents, didn't they get a divorce?"

It was Nathan's turn to smirk. "That's the problem. They were never married."

David flinched as his thoughts flew to Amanda and Olivia.

"My father had six children from three different women. By the time I was born, he'd already left .I'll tell you what, man. I am thirty-seven years old, and I have never met my biological father."

David hoped his desperation didn't show through as he said, "Well, looks like you turned out alright."

Nathan started talking about a mentor, but David didn't really hear him, too embroiled in his own thoughts.

He heard loud and clear, though, when Nathan said, "I'm telling you man, not having a father has scarred me in more ways than I can count."

For the second time that week, guilt engulfed David Thomson.

He was grateful for Shane when the older man said, "Look, guys, I have enjoyed our little heart to heart, but I need to go pay some bills while there's still something left of my paycheck."

The other three men laughed and the mood shifted. With practiced force, David shoved the thoughts of Amanda and Olivia into the back of his mental closet.


	2. Chapter 2

March 19, 2012

David sat stiffly beside Shane Fuller, scarcely believing where he was. He stared ahead of him, at the small, white casket containing the body of Emily Mitchell. The preacher was saying the standard stuff about God and Emily being dead to the world but alive with Him.

David turned and looked past Shane, to Adam, Victoria, and Dylan, sitting miserably side by side, yet each obviously in their own world. He made a brief, split second of eye-contact with Nathan, before sitting back in his seat.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't  _right_ , that Emily had been cut off from them. To never see her again... never see her graduate, never get to walk her down the aisle, never get to meet her children...

And then it hit him, a solid, vicious, punch that ricocheted through his entire body. That was no different than him and Olivia.

As it was, unless he made a move to change the situation, she was as good as dead to him.

* * *

May 5, 2012

David read the piece of paper in his hand, a Resolution, as Adam and Shane bickered back and forth about whether or not Adam was being too hard on himself.

David's head snapped up when Adam said, "Half the fathers in this country are all ready failing, and I don't want to be one of them."

David sighed internally and let his eyes slide back down to the paper. The words no longer sank in as he read them. He became increasingly uncomfortable as Adam asked them to keep him accountable, and the other men began to discuss signing it as well.

David's heart hit the back of his throat when Shane said, "Fine. Adam, if you're going to do this, maybe we should all just sign it."

Did Shane know about Amanda and Olivia?

David watched the other deputy for a moment before deciding that, no; Shane hadn't meant anything about him by the comment. But his conscience was still screaming at him.

* * *

May 12, 2012

David sat behind the wheel of his personal car on his way to a restaurant to meet the guys in his group. He tried to take stock of what had happened in the past couple of days, especially yesterday.

When he had been at the shooting range with Nathan, he had told him about Olivia and Amanda.

He had received Christ as his Savior.

And now, right now, he was on his way to telling the other men that he had a daughter, and looking into signing the resolution that they were all so committed to.

He was terrified. Scared to death.

Once the five of them got settled at the table with their meals, Shane asked, "Not that I don't love the fact that I all ready spend almost every waking hour with you people, but why are we here?"

"What do you mean, why?" Javier asked.

"Adam told me there was a good reason to come."

"Because that's what Nathan told me." Adam replied, looking at David's partner.

"We're actually here for David." Nathan told them, nodding at David to start talking.

David took a deep breath and rubbed at the back of his neck before letting his shoulders drop low. "I, uh." He stopped and tried again. "I guess I want you all to know first, that, while I was at the gun range with Nathan yesterday, he, um, led me to Christ."

The round of happy congratulations that the statement garnered took him off guard. Once they had gotten quite once more, Nathan nodded again, encouraging him, "Keep going."

So David took another deep breath and started in again. "And all of this talk about fathers, and needing to be there for your kids, it got me to thinking about a mistake I made in college. I, uh, hooked up with a cheerleader. And she got pregnant. I got mad when she decided to keep the baby, I left her alone with it. It. Olivia. To take care of Olivia, the baby." He stopped. "This isn't making any sense to you guys. Amanda, the cheerleader. Olivia, the baby. She's four by now, and they live ten minutes from here, and I want to make things right, and, and I think that I want to sign your guys resolution." He paused and registered their various expressions. Adam and Javier looked a little stunned. Shane was smirking, but then again, that was his usual expression. Could you explain it to me?"

"Here." Nathan pulled his copy out of his pants pocket and held it out to Adam, who accepted it after snapping out of his shock.

"Okay, first things first, there's actually a reason I chose the word 'resolution'."

* * *

May 14, 2012

Amanda sat at a table in the teacher's lounge, eating her BLT. Another teacher that Amanda had gotten to know, Marsha, approached the table and asked, "Do you want some company?"

"Of course."

Marsha sat with a smile and after a moment of eating her vegetarian burger, she asked, "I've seen the picture on your desk. She's so cute; I've been meaning to ask you who she is."

"Oh, that's of Olivia. My daughter."

"How old is she?"

"She just turned four on the eighth."

Marsha hesitated before asking, "Her father?"

Amanda shook her head, laughing dryly, her eyes falling to her own sandwich. "He lives somewhere here in town. Might as well be Timbuktu for what we see of him."

Marsha flinched. "I'm sorry. There's no chance of him coming back?"

Amanda shook her head a little. "I'll put a 'meat is murder' bumper sticker on my car if that happens."

Her response had the effect that Amanda had hoped it would. The air around them became breathable again as Marsha laughed.

"This from someone who makes weekly visits to Jimmie's Hotdogs? I'll hold you to that, you know."

Amanda smiled. "You feel free to do that."


	3. Chapter 3

May 17, 2012

David felt somewhat strange, standing by himself in front of the Flint River, between Shane and Tyler and the Mitchells. But at the same time, it only strengthened his resolve to be back where he should have been all along – with Amanda and his daughter.

He swallowed, mentally trying to shove away the terror that was forcing its way into his mind as William Barrett issued a warning to the men. It seemed as though Nathan's mentor was speaking directly to him.

"Now that each of you has committed to live by this resolution," Barrett was saying, "I bless you in the name of the Lord, but I also have a warning for each you. Now that you know what you are to do, and have committed to do it before God and these witnesses, you are doubly accountable. And let me also assure you that you may have confidence in this Resolution and in your resolve now, because as you stand here, there's no challenge, no controversy, and no conflict. But I can assure you that challenges will arise. Conflicts will arise, and controversy will arise."

David nodded, trying to swallow his trepidation once more.  _Challenge? Definitely. Conflict? Oh yeah. Controversy? Most likely._

William continued on. "It is at that moment that, in order to live out this Resolution, you will need  _courage_.  _Courage. Courage._ "

 _Courage?_  David thought.  _Lord, I'm going to need Your help with that one._

* * *

Amanda. After four and a half years, David was sitting at his computer later that night, trying to gather his scrambled thoughts enough to put together a letter to send to her. To explain himself, to ask to see her, to gain permission to meet his daughter.

He glanced at the resolution now hanging on his wall, took a deep breath, and put his fingers to the keyboard.

_Dear Amanda-_

_I know it's a shock for you to hear from me, but I need to tell you what's happened in my life. In the last two years, I've become a deputy for the Albany Sheriff's Office. The job is tough, but I work with some of the best guys in the world. Being a cop has forced me to see the worst in people and to see how one person's selfish decisions can hurt so many others._

_Recently I had a life changing experience. I began a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. I've still got a lot to work on, but He's helping me to make sense of my life and take more responsibility for who I am as a man._

_For years, I've been afraid to admit that I have a daughter and I'm doing nothing to take care of her._

_I see now that every child is a gift from God. I now know how wrong I've been and have asked God to forgive me for what I've done to you and Olivia. I'm writing this letter to tell you that I've decided to stop running._

_If you're willing, I'd like to meet with you and begin the process of rebuilding your trust. In time, and with your permission, I hope to meet Olivia personally and let her know that she has a father who cares about her._

_I have no other expectations. I'm only asking for a chance to be a part of Olivia's life. I'll wait for your response._

_Until then, I have begun to pray for you and Olivia. I have enclosed a symbol of my commitment to begin doing my part to help with her care._

_Sincerely,_

_David Thomson_

David shook his head, than bowed it and, closing his eyes, prayed, "Okay, God, whatever you want to do, I'm ready."

He clicked "print". When the letter was copied, he gave it a once over, put it inside an envelope with a check, addressed the envelope, and put it in his mail box to be sent out the next day.

It was all in God's hands now.


End file.
